MUSHROOM CLOUDS AND A COKE
Rick Rozoff - 05.03.2002 00:37
MUSHROOM CLOUDS AND A COKE (a satire)
General Vlasov News Agency
Moscow, March 4, 2002
In late-breaking news today President Putin rebuked what he called "alarmists" in his own government who had raised eyebrows with what President Putin called "unauthorized statements" opposing the nuclear annihilation of what they called "Russia."
"This is no tragedy," said the characteristically enigmatic Putin, "if it helps the international fight against deadly terror."
Mr. Putin´s remarks, praised by State Department Spokesperson Richard Boucher as proving that "Russia has finally chosen the path of civil society," were uttered during a chat with reporters who caught up with Mr. Putin as he left the presidential gym.
"Make it quick," quipped the characteristically poker faced leader, sweating from his daily five hour jujitsu workout. "I gotta meet some old colleagues from the USIA office in Berlin to get my orders - I mean, to order lunch. Two Big Macs, plenty fries. They´re paying," said the President, flashing his characteristic smirk.
Reporters asked Putin if he was concerned about reports of a U.S., German, French, Turkish, Norwegian, Dutch, Luxembourgian and Monocan military buildup in Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Azerbaijan, Armenia, Georgia, Khazakistan and other Russian neighbors and traditional allies.
"Hell no," answered Putin, with characteristic bluntness. "They´re free to welcome troops, warplanes, surveillance installations and nuclear missile batteries from whatever source as long as they say it´s to combat deadly terror."
A reporter from Sovietskaya Rossia asked, "Didn´t the American foreign policy establishment create and for twenty years sponsor the very Islamist terrorists - including the ones in Chechnya - whom they now claim they must enter every country to destroy?"
"Typical cold war thinking," said Putin with characteristic scorn. "By creating Islamism our American partners have awakened the world to the need to crush it, thus laying a practical basis for the international war against terror. We can only be grateful."
Queried about NATO efforts to overthrow the government of recently reelected Belorussian President Lukashenko, whose country forms a joint economic and military union with Russia, the highly inscrutable president displayed characteristic nonchalance. He reacted similarly to questions about current unrest in the former Soviet Republic of Moldova, which according to hard-liners, has been instigated by NATO powers.
"I try to focus on pressing social problems at home, like crushing communists and firing trouble makers," said Putin. "That´s my assignment - I mean job. My job. As President of, you know, NATO - I mean, Russia. President of Russia. Whatever," explained the affable if characteristically phlegmatic reformer.
Nibbling an American power bar, Putin confirmed that he was stepping up delivery of Russian military attack helicopters to the Pastrana regime in Colombia thus assisting efforts to further the peace process there by eliminating peasants, trade unionists and other terrorists.
"We might bomb Venezuela on the way," commented the poker faced Putin. "They could be harboring terrorists, who knows?"
The President expressed gratitude that in exchange for unilaterally closing Russian military bases in Vietnam, Cuba and elsewhere and providing Russian troops to NATO´s missions in Bosnia, Kosovo and elsewhere NATO´s Secretary General, Lord George Robertson, "is now willing to take my calls. He even offered to inform me of future NATO humanitarian wars, after they start," said Putin, with characteristic satisfaction.
As the impromptu press conference ended, a reporter informed the President that Georgian troops led by US Special Forces had entered Russia in hot pursuit of suspected al Qaeda members fleeing Georgia and that the Americans, who are limited to strictly noncombatant functions, had called in nuclear strikes against the southern Russian City of Rostov to flush out terrorists who also may be hiding in Moscow, St. Petersburg, and Minsk.
The philosophical Putin was characteristically unruffled:
"Russia´s a problem and somebody´s got to solve it," he said. "No, wait a minute - not Russia, terrorism. Terrorism´s the problem. Whatever. The point is, what´s the tragedy if this helps the international fight against deadly terror? Now no more questions. I´m late for lunch."
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